Turbulence

"Once the mountain of records had disappeared from his house, Tony Takitani was really alone."

1. Seasons

"不以物喜, 不以己悲"

This is what the greats in ancient Chinese think that a truly dutiful and useful person would be: Abstained from emotions based on trivial matters. One of the most trivial matters that almost seems too easy to neglect is the weather, or the ever changing seasons around us. It is so easy to look up at the sky and utter a simple comment: The sky is clear. It is overcast. Bad day isn't it? It is the lowest form of discussion, a filler I suppose, when one fails to find something more meaningful to discuss but don't want to cease the conversation. Since I, as you should all know, am the most banal, seasons and weather do form a great part of my emotional well being. Therefore, I deem it quite strange that this topic has never appeared on this blog, and shall therefore right this anomaly here.

I had always hated spring in Hong Kong. It is perhaps the only season where rain never ceases to fall. Every time I looked up to expect some sunshine, I was greeted by miles and miles of grey misery. Unlike in the UK, rain always falls in torrents, always necessitating an umbrella. The stereotypical reawakening of all things bright and beautiful does not quite occur, for Hong Kong is a tropical city. There is no wilting and hibernation to start with, thus nullifying any meaning in blooming. The temperature is the most awkward, trapped in a limbo of the stifling summer and demoralizing winter. The lukewarm temperature, combined with the barely oxygenated air, makes me feel rather like a dumpling in a basket, ready to be steamed. I can find no motivation to work under this constant horrible weather, and hence this is a season of idling, or as I already remarked in an earlier post, a season of introversion and sorrow. This is accentuated by the fact that, again appealing to stereotypes, spring is a season of love. The sense of helplessness and loneliness simply overwhelms me.

If I say that I hate summer back home, I would be telling only a partial truth. The humidity and suffocating heat originating from spring becomes even worse here, and it is quite impossible to go out without necessitating a shower immediately afterwards. Thanks to air conditioning, all is not lost. Summer is also when my memories of the blue sky are most pronounced. Though horribly hot, the pure sky never ceases to calm me, and for whatever reason, the summer blue sky is the most romantic, allowing me for forget my worries, and imagine that I can relive my childhood without the psychological strains.

Autumn used to be my favourite: The misery of rain fades after the final storm around September, morphing into a crisp dry breeze that doesn't yet feel excessively chilly. The warmth encased within the refreshing air never fails to motivate me for another day of work. There might not be the exciting sight of a thoroughly covered crimson ground of maple leaves. Hong Kong, being the ever-running city, continues to be a rather underwhelming sight. Yet, such scenery does not need to manifest in front of me physically for me to be placed within the appropriate mood.

Recent years of climate change has raised the autumn temperature quite a lot, and I no longer feel the crispness of this wonderful season. In some sense it is regretful for me to have to shift my favourite season to winter, the time where I had to cope with increasing realization of loneliness again. Traditionally this is the case, and it is rather overtly emphasized as people attempt to compensate for this through the abundance of festivities: Christmas, Chinese New Year to say the least. In some cases, the lack of heating in my hometown brings out the momentary warmth when I cuddle up in a thick blanket. Therefore, it is safe to say that there are plenty of romantic traits about winter, despite its threatening to shut our warmth down.

Of course, moving to the UK has changed my perception of seasons quite a bit. However, no matter how long I stay here, or, in the future, wherever I shall wander to, I will be that boring guy who reminisces constantly about the sobering Novembers, the Decembers full of joy and illusions, the lazy summers. It doesn't take much for me to talk about my perception of these ever so common phenomena, and no one can object, doubt or question me for doing so, or my personal thoughts. It is reassuring to know there is something in the world you can talk about with no one being able to challenge or judge you, isn't it?

2. Re-encounter with the pixie fairy and her magic

Recently, he has encountered the pixie fairy that he had tried to forget again.

He has no idea whether this is good news. One thing is certain though: the fairy's charm has not ebbed anyhow: Same refreshing perfume, same luminous figure, same warm words. She is nothing less than perfect, at least to him. This re-encounter probably means nothing to her. He is simply a speck of dust in her life full of colours and joy. It is not that he annoys her, but that he is so insignificant and featureless.

Yet, for him and his grey-smeared life, she is the only colour he sees. Amongst the depressing cold hue of the lifeless deprecated buildings, the unspeakably dull walls of bricks that surround him every day, the thought of being with her provides a certain kind of relief, yet incites unlimited regret and anxiety, that one day the days of seeing her would cease, and he would no longer exist in her world, not even as a speck of dust.

What should he do? Should he simply wait it out, or should he upturn the universe, and wake up the slowly dying patient? There might be a chance, that if he fails, she would always notice him as a speck of dust, ever so annoying, and would try to get rid of him. This is something he would very much like to avoid, for obvious reasons.

He hates his falling into this trap called love again and again, but he is human after all, and it is all too human to have emotions. This he can understand, but can pixies understand this? Will there be time for this man to spend? Will he finally decide to eat a peach?

These are questions whose answers only exists with the fairy tales he grew up hearing about. After all, pixies are objects of such fantasies, right?

---

OP Discussion 5: CLANNAD OP, Megumeru ~cuckool mix 2007~

"Even on the day of a cold morning
 I'll move forward unhesitatingly
 While I turn pain and sorrow
 Into my allies"

It certainly feels nice to finally be able to get around to one of my favourites.

To this day, I am still not sure what inspired me to like romance shows so much. It is definitely against the stereotype of what a male teenager should like (not that, in the current age, one should care about), or rather against my occasional disdain for humanity. It might simply be the amazement I feel that when the vices of humanity are temporarily put aside, all the selfishness, callousness, ignorance seem to fade when there is only another human in one's mind. It is an aesthetically pleasing subject, probably why it has been talked of so much in the past by the sentimental. This truly is a subject whose wonder escapes my tongue. But I digress.

The visuals of this OP is decidedly adequate for a visual novel (VN) adaptation. Being a very character centred show (another trait I appreciate greatly), an opening showcasing the characters is quite appropriate. Warm colours are used throughout, hence even though the OP shows a transition from the desolate winter (which represents the illusionary world aptly), the hope and growth that the coming spring promises is dominant, or rather, emphasized through contrast.

Despite appearing to be a rom-com at first glance, this show is heavily themed on the bitterness of life. The protagonist Okazaki Tomoya seems to be well aware of this, taking a jaded view of his present and indeed his future. Meeting Nagisa changed his view greatly, granting him maturity and a solid outlook to life, yet also simultaneously plunging him into much deeper despair as fate took what he now loves dearly, his sole bases of his meaning of life, one by one. This show is not a light hearted comedy at all, and touches on very sombre topics. Yet, the song played throughout is upbeat and hopeful. If I were Tomoya, this would be a difficult song to sing in the tides of tragedy that befell.

Is this OP a successful one then? Definitely. What I mentioned above neglects the fact that the true message of the show lies underneath the apparent themes. Many complained about the apparently contrived ending to the second season, as Nagisa revives in a rather Deus ex Machina fashion. However, symbolically it makes total sense. It is at this point that Tomoya recognizes the true nature of his life, which is to be ever optimistic and courageous in the face of adversity, to defy fate and create one's own meaning within the grey world of great tragedy. This is what the show is really about: To define the hallmark of maturity and resolve the paradox between the apparent optimism and the objective tragedy that seem to coexist harmoniously. The quote I mentioned above perfectly encapsulates this spirit, so I had to put it in even though it is not actually in the song for the OP (it is in the long version).

We live in a world of constant shock and disappointment. We believe that peace has descended upon us upon the cessation of the Cold War, that globalization will be smooth and war will never happen again. Yet we are proven gravely mistaken over and over again. Regardless, are we able to bravely face the future that is so uncertain, that might terminate humanity at any day without warning, like Tomoya does?

Alone and Lonely

"I do not think that they will sing to me"

We are born alone. From the moment we leave the womb of our mother, we cry. We cry about how we must learn to be independent for the rest of our lives, unable to depend on someone else. In other words, we cry not because we are alone, but because we are lonely.

We are so used to the idea of society, that there is almost no chance that one morning, in the busiest of mornings, we would find ourselves isolated, with no one on the streets. Those are the subjects of movies, and do not think of them seriously. We rely on the fact that tomorrow, when we open the door, our friends would do the same, and we would meet each other, and be reassured that the mutual dependence of humanity has not waned.

This is indeed a strange thought. Everything we do eventually attributes to our own well being. We eat to sate our own hunger, work for our own money, study for our own results and knowledge. Intrinsically and physically, we are independent of each other. Except for the gravely ill, all of our survival requirements could very well be fulfilled on our own. In other words, the feeling of being isolated, or "loneliness", is indeed purely psychological. Then, does being alone, a state of being, not necessarily imply loneliness, an emotion pertaining to such state?

To have to depend on others is a form of weakness. Only when one achieves true autonomy can one think freely, without the need to appeal to anyone and fulfill any requirements or expectations from society. In this sense, loneliness is the source of such weakness, as one craves for companionship and someone to share their burden, even when such burden, ironically, stems from relationship with others and the society. Since loneliness is a psychological phenomenon, common sense would suggest that it is easier to rid such problem than actual physical problems. Yet, is this really the case?

In ecology, living things often depend on each other symbiotically. It is one of the natural driving forces for growth and evolution of species. One could then argue that loneliness is the manifestation of such a force within the human species. However, I believe that the human species has evolved to a level that exceeds the description purely based on ecological biology. We interact in much more sophisticated ways, necessitating subjects such as sociology to exist. Loneliness should, then, not be a hard-wired emotion in our bodies.

Society has sought to eradicate this negative emotion, yet in an escapist fashion: To provide more means to connect with one another. The idea is that once we are able to be within the vicinity, or feel so, we will no longer be lonely. Whether with real people, or with artificial intelligence, or fictional characters, we are immersed in a world of connections so that we stop feeling lonely. This is an industry that pays significantly, as seen from the explosion of social networks and entertainment industries.

Yet I describe such solutions as "escapist", mainly because they shun the real problem. The only solution that could solve this crisis would be us facing loneliness directly, and come to terms with it. This is not a trivial matter: Though loneliness is not hard-wired, it is a deeply ingrained reflex that would activate whenever one is alone, or thinks so. It manifests even harder when one encounter love, an attraction and yearning for the opposite sex (or same sex, in some cases). To immerse oneself in contrived connections is rather like taking psychedelic drugs, to dull the pain temporarily, only to wake up at night, sober, feeling lonely again.

One of the criteria for becoming an "Ubermensch" is elevation above external influences. In fact, it could possibly be said to be the only requirement. Yet, with loneliness plaguing humanity, few have the will to escalate to such status. As a result, we drone on our lives based on a predetermined meta-narrative, and perhaps die without ever having the experience of being truly independent. It is sometimes rather tragic to think about this.

At the end, we all die alone. People come, and people go. In our ephemeral lives we make a mark on some, but most people are doomed to fade into oblivion in a very short period after their deaths. Yet, is it not great if we can come to terms with our natural instincts, and fight back the urge of loneliness, just to be able to think, even for a split second, in a truly free manner? In my opinion, that is a person who has lived a worthy life, as his life is no one but his.

"Durum semolina, golden wheat wafting in Italian fields.

Can you imagine how astonished the Italians would be if they knew that what they were exporting in 1971 was really loneliness?"

---

ED Discussion 4: Byousoku 5 Centimeter ED, One more time, One more chance

"I am always looking for you wherever I go... though I don't expect you to be there."

If ramblings from German philosophers over a century ago sounds lofty, here is a much closer depiction of real people plagued by fate to be alone.

5 centimeters per second is not your run of the mill romance story. In an ideal world, when matched couples meet each other, they would fall in love, and live happily ever after. Even when faced with separation, their love would not diminish regardless of the distance between them, or circumstances that might change their accessibility to each other. This is not very far from what we believe, after all. Most believe in an everlasting relationship, and declare to one another that they will love forever.

I believe that this is an exception to the rule. To be fond of something for a prolonged period of time is a feat in itself, let alone being attached to a human, full of flaws and uncertain fluctuations. This is not meant to be derogatory to humans, though. This phenomenon is simply due to fate that toys around with humans always. A relationship that drifts apart is mostly not the fault of either side, but rather the intrinsically fragile state of love itself.

This ED constitutes a good four minutes out of the twenty of the last part of the entire movie. Remarkably, few words are uttered by the characters in the last part, exemplifying the intangible yet inevitable drifting away of passion and love.  A sense of longing could perhaps be detected, as we see them awaiting for each others' messages on the phone, looking for each other in the vast city of Tokyo, or checking the mailbox, hoping there would be some letter, holding onto the last vestige of belief. What are they longing for? Apparently, not for each other, but for a chance to experience love again.

Such longing might manifest as sorrow, but there is no apparent cause of it. The visuals flashes from character to character, showing them individually. There is no sudden point of tragedy or revelation, as the movie ends with this rather anticlimactic ending. Yet, this ending is more than apt to demonstrate the main message. There is not a single quantifiable cause that they are now completely separated, yet only a few tens of miles away from each other physically. Sorrow of loneliness simply piles up along with stresses from daily routines, creating the wear that manifests in the appearance of Tohno towards the end.

Yet, Makoto did not leave us hanging. He ostensibly did, but upon closer inspection of the last ten seconds or so of the ED, Tohno leaves with a smile, even though the lady who just passed him was one whom he had yearned for so much. A split second is what it takes to rekindle their friendship at the very least, yet such an opportunity was brutally cut off by the passing train. Why would Tohno be smiling then? Precisely because he has come to terms with loneliness. Makoto shows us powerfully that there is no intrinsic link between sadness and the state of being alone. Once one has figured this out, there would be no need to keep dwelling in the past, to keep thinking about the passing of the cosmonaut, who can no longer be reached, but simply revel in the short yet potent burst of emotions that marked the past, the split seconds of bright light that the rocket shone in the dim evening sky.

The music here is also impeccable: the 1997 title by Yamazaki Masayoshi. The lyrics depict clearly what each of the characters, and indeed most of us think. To be able to live life once more is a dream of most. We seek our past companions so intently that we look in nooks and crannies of the massive city, hoping to simply see a trace of the other's presence. Yet, isn't it great to be able to exceed this stage of emotions and embrace what lies of us? Makoto's film deserves so much more discussion, yet I shall not go at length here, for I have run out of words. It sets me into so much thought, and this ED perfectly encapsulates the message conveyed, while maintaining the artistic elegance and power of the film itself, providing an unforgettable conclusion to this excellent work.

Credit to /r/AnimeThemes

私

"If, ten thousand years from now, a society came into being that was exclusively populated by poor aunts, would they open the gates of their town to me?"

In this world, what place would a constant have, he wondered.

He is naturally good at painting. Whatever lays in front of him, be it a picturesque scenery, an attractive lady, an intricate mechanism, or the most mundane object, he could reproduce it with utmost precision, just like a camera. If cameras were to disappear from the planet, he would be the most valued possession one could have, I daresay. 

A great deal of people have told him, while he was in his teenage years, that he should become a painter, or rather, an artist. They told him that he could create a whole new sensation in the scene of visual arts. It would be a waste of such a talent! they exclaimed. They even lamented how art schools would not accept prodigies such as him for early entry. He could not deny that these words were extremely flattering, and he, rather subconsciously, built his entire meaning of life around showcasing this ability to capture what is in front of him. It was a good reason to live, he said.

His parents asked him what he wanted to do often, and he would give it a second of thought before answering the obvious: Painter. He should not have to think about such obvious questions before answering, but it seem to him that something sounds dissonant when he put together himself with the notion of a painter, as if divine intervention would step in and paralyze his thoughts for a second before restoring his common sense.

When the time came for him to be at college, his parents asked him one last time whether he was sure he wanted to devote his life to art. The only sensible thing to say here would be yes, since the applications had already been sent out; his admittance into one of the best schools of art in the world was already confirmed. It would be both stupid and unfeasible for him to turn back now, not to mention irrational. He thought to himself: All the cards are now in his hands. He just needed to play them, and he would win the game. The game of life that is.

Whatever that means.

In college, he received the same praise from his peers and seniors initially. The degree to which the paintings resembled what was drawn was uncanny, almost alien to mankind, though his professors told him that they had seen better. Gradually, though, people got used to his photographic handcrafting skills. I mean, they still appreciated his mechanical precision, and would often ask him for advice on how to portray certain things to achieve greater realism, but that was all he could do, and that substituted his initial idea of a life that laid before him. To others, he was just a camera, except that you don't have to pay to use it, and it never runs out of battery.

He started to seek attention. He sought to create new scenery with his hands, perhaps an abstract painting that would shock the world with the avant garde style? or delving into new realms of art? There are a lot of things he wanted to achieve. He thought that he had some degree of curiosity, and indeed he did have some I suppose. Yet, that often is overwhelmed by his unwillingness to step out. Sometimes it really his mental stamina that is stopping him, something he considered out of his reach to improve upon. He is forever the camera, a camera.

So, what eventually happens to him? No one knows, not even me. This is a story with no end, no climax, nothing noteworthy, no message or themes behind. It just exists, just like him, the camera. No one knows why a replica (a faulty and slow one, to be honest) of a digital device would exist, or even should exist, or continue to exist. He might continue to live his life with some sprinkles of praise, and dabble on some meaningless odd jobs, or he might fall out of relevance, and decide he no longer has a place in this world. One thing is certain though: If this world had no intelligence and creativity, he might finally be relevant, and he would finally be recognized as a person.

---

ED discussion 3: Nagato Yuki-chan no Shoushitsu ED, Arigatou, Daisuki


"Thank you, I love you... Let me stay this way just a little longer"

To say that this show is a very good one would be lying, for it is not. The characters are not interesting and at times feel really dull. The themes are not apparent and the tone shifts too dramatically for me to clearly discern what this anime is really trying to convey. To approach this show with an expectation that it rivals or continues Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu is simply wrong. However, I do feel that this particular ED is quite attractive.

There are actually two versions of this ED: one where the scene does not flip, and one where it does. The switch occurs when Nagato's alter ego came into play after the car crash, starting the disappearance arc. In addition, characters other than the alter ego Nagato (including real Nagato) become silhouettes while she observes them, reflecting alter ego Nagato being the observer of the real Nagato's memory, how she is actually the stranger here.

In the real world, real Nagato would likely have better friendships than her counterpart, being stoic, silent, often only replying in terse and unsympathetic phrases. One may think that this Nagato is, in fact, stealing the spotlight of the real Nagato's show, and her pursuit of love, that this Nagato is a defected version of the real Nagato everyone loved. However, the ED speaks otherwise. strikingly maintaining the same emotions and appearance for the alter ego Nagato. Most strikingly, upon observing the pleasant memories of Kyon and Nagato in the library, she smiles, exactly in the same fashion as the real Nagato upon receiving the library card from Kyon. She might seem like a robot, much like the Nagato in Haruhi, but deep within, just like the Haruhi Nagato, lie emotions that are expressed in much more complexity than that of the real Nagato.

For the song itself, I was simply fixated on the quote above. Connecting that sentence with the fading presence of the alter ego Nagato (or, more extensively, with the movie Nagato) exemplifies the theme of "tender oblivion" (cf. Suzumiya Haruhi no Shoushitsu) in a sublime way. Time is running out for this Nagato, yet the song is not rushed, nor sorrowful. It gives a fateful feeling, yet gives rise not hatred or complaint, but gentle acceptance, to embrace the short moments of love that would resound forever in her memory.

Needless to say, the disappearance arc was a decent part of the show. Yet, it still suffers from being placed in a bad context, ruining the flow of the show. In any case, listening to Chihara Minori for a minute after each episode warmed my heart a bit from the hectic and relentless demand of reality.

Credit to /r/AnimeThemes

Revisiting Fear

"I was told that I am just one of the countless specks of dust on this p-lanet,
But that is something I cannot yet comprehend.
[...]
I have no choice but to pretend that
I am a warrior who knows no fear."

One of the many marks of maturity would be the diminishing of fear. Or at least, apparently. When we were children, we would fear the dark, fear for ghosts, fear for new places, new people. In response, we protest and struggle to try to alleviate this emotion. Thus, fear is generally unpleasant, and for an adult, something to be suppressed, a shameful emotion perhaps. Yet, as it turns out, this emotion is rather pertinent, and is actually one of the driving forces of humanity.

A recent visit to the dentist made me, as the title suggests, "revisit" fear. It has been a good while since my last visit, approximately seven years or so. Then, I was at the stage where teeth had to be removed, and this indeed caused great fear. This time, there was a fear of having wisdom teeth to be removed. Having low tolerance of pain, it was natural for me to dread this appointment.

Yet, I asked myself: What was it that I fear? Surely, to conquer a fear, one must know what exactly it is, to perceive this emotion in an analytical manner. I knew that if I had abnormal growth, an operation which could be quite painful was inevitable. Perhaps it was the uncertainty related to my speculation of the probability this rather tragic outcome were to happen. Indeed, fear stems from uncertainty. If everything were to be predictable, there would be no reason to speculate, or rather put any thought into this future. This could be why a god is always portrayed as a calm and stoic individual, as he/she always knows what will happen.

Was it all uncertainty? A person about to encounter tragedy he/she knows is going to happen will still exhibit symptoms of fear, as far as I am concerned. It might be irrational hope that the tragedy might not actually happen, that there would be a slimmer of chance to change the future. In this case, the hope ironically introduces uncertainty, and hence inspires fear. In case of pain, one tends to forget what pain really feels like since it is an abnormality (we are programmed to avoid pain as much as possible). One might know pain will happen, but would not know what the pain will be like. In other words, even if there is no objective uncertainty, subjective uncertainty quite often accompany fateful encounters, causing fear to be rather inevitable.

Is this a good thing? If one were to be able to remove the faculties of the brain responsible for fear, would one do that? While fear seems unpleasant, it seem to be an innate mechanism of the brain to control one's actions against recklessness when faced with uncertainty. After all, we are selfish creatures despite our strong tendencies to form societies. Fear is rather like a self-defense against overt enthusiasm, as the person we would want to protect when faced with danger should reasonably be ourselves.

This brings me to my next point about the image of a fearless person. Most probably, the traditional archetypal fearless character would be a hero, to attempt what is impossible for normal frightful people to achieve and arrive at a heroic conclusion. I also like to think of criminals and rejects in the society as fearless: They have to overcome the fear of being isolated, of castigation and punishment to be a deviant, to defy his/her own sense of pain to incite the same emotion on others (though we do this every day unwittingly). What lies beyond the norms and morality of the society is rather uncertain, and I suppose to traverse this boundary would require the greatest courage.

It is easy to antagonize fear, to shun fear and avoid encountering situations that incite fear. It is natural to fear fear itself, quite frankly. Yet, it forms an indispensable part of the spectrum known as human emotions. Emotions is one of the most important ways of learning, and is what everyone falls back to when the guise of rationality falls off. It dictates what we do and how we think. Of them all, fear holds one's thoughts together within reasonable boundaries, and, should I say, is the most powerful force that binds human behaviour, in a complexity and beauty for which no law ever created could rival.

---

OP Discussion 2: Puella Magi Madoka Magica OP, Connect

"The beautiful blue sky always waits for me
Therefore I'm not afraid
I won't be disheartened anymore no matter what happens."

The first show that reminds me of fear would be NGE, but this show would come to a close second.

Those who have seen this show would know that this OP seems to be rather unfitting for a show with an incredibly dark view upon fantastical powers of magical girls. It is not impossible to find traces of thematic concerns in this OP though, and upon closer examination it almost seems to be rich with hints and insinuations of the tragedies to come.

Simply paying attention to the visuals would lead to the conclusion that the show is a typical magical girl show (I say this, yet I have not actually seen a magical girls show but I guess the archetype is there): Magical girl gains power almost gratuitously, defeats evil, and saves the world which dared to underestimate her. The elements of the stereotype are all too clear: Light colour scemes, transformation sequences, fighting "monsters", slice-of-life activities with fellow magical girls, and, towards the end, Homura quite clearly displayed as an antagonist, perhaps about to engage in a fight with Madoka. Of course, all of these would prove to be either ironic or simply distractions as the show runs.

Taking the perspective of one who has already watched the show, one would focus on Madoka welling on tears at the beginning, her running towards some objective despite the constant rain, the "eye-opening" scene lasting for a split second, and appreciate the irony and symbolism of the elements presented above (such as Madoka appearing tired, which is quite reminiscent of the devastated Madoka upon hearing Kyubey's secrets).

He would also be drawn more to the song. Again, ostensibly innocent and sung in an upbeat tone, the lyrics talks about promises to march on despite the darkness ahead, despite overwhelming "shadows of anxiety," solely on the belief that there would be better days ahead. In most overblown drama series, lyrics like these are but vacuous decorations. Here, as I delved into the struggle of Madoka to see her idealistic and rather childlike faith of the world getting torn apart through witnessing her friends withering away in front of her, I felt that these words are actually coming alive.

If we choose to focus on Madoka, PMMM is definitely a fit candidate for a coming-of-age story, perhaps taken to an extreme. However, it is extremes that provide progress, and forces beauty to surface. Fear, for one example, pushes humans to extremes, cornering them and forcing them to anticipate bad consequences. For one, this OP successfully traversed the realm of two extremes, leaving a sensation of conflicts that resounded well after the show ended.

Credits to openings.moe

Fictional Existence

" 'There is at least one good thing about TV,' he said after a while. 'You can shut it off whenever you like. And nobody complains.' "

Characters from fictional media, such as novels, short stories, poems, or television shows, movies etc. are distinguished from real life people primarily in the world they exist in. More generally, they lead a different type of existence to us. We know that something is not real based on the way it interacts (or does not) with this world. I shall call their way of "existing" fictional existence.

Is fictional existence a form of existence? Perhaps from the way I name it the answer would seem to be yes. One that would argue that an idea or a concept, something abstract, exist would certainly agree that fictionally existing is indeed a valid method of existence, where the said object in question exists in people's minds. However, even if you think an idea does not really exist, a fictional character seems to be much more than an idea, or at least well composed ones do. One can specify the character's traits, actions, habits, demeanors just as done with a normal concrete person. A person hosts a lot of ideas in his/her life, and so do reasonable fictional characters. Should the reality of a fictional character be of a higher order than a mere idea then? After all, actors are trained to suspend their real identity and pretend to exist in a parallel universe under a different alias.

One could also claim that a fictional character exists within his/her universe. Such universe is bounded by the works attributed to it. A character from a show exists within the several hours the show is on air, and not otherwise. Yet, human perspective is horribly limited. One could never escape the first person viewpoint one was born into. This leads to everyone we know to be able to be perceived by a fraction of our lifetime, no matter how close the people in question are to us. Worse still, there are millions upon millions of people who we meet on the streets but never again, or not even meet at all. We hear from official statistics that there are a great number of people coexisting with us, yet we never perceive their existence. They are merely a number to us. Do they exist? Fictionally? (Or, ideally?)

I am sure some may have envied the lives of certain fictional characters. Selectively cutting out the boring details of life, or the tragic events that may occur is definitely attractive. Ironing out the possibility of encountering tragedy for a person living in a perfect world, even more so. However, if given the chance to be fictional, would it be accepted by the masses? As I mentioned before, good and evil are complementary and rather symbiotic. Are perfection and faults a symbiotic pair as well? I guess these questions are meant to be left to fantasy.

At this point I don't even know what this part of my thoughts is leading towards. Therefore, let's just say that fictionally existing entities are not far from us. In fact, everyone around us leads a rather abstract existence. We trust that we lead a real and full existence, and by symmetry and sheer probabilistic arguments we think that others do as well. However, the time we spend with others is limited, that most of their actions or thoughts are not relayed to us. Similarly, our time on this planet is also severely limited, that a lot of what we think will never be recorded. Those who have made a mark in history may be qualified to be the closest to be truly existing. Yet, we still only see a tiny fraction of their lives. Einstein would mostly be remembered for his theories of relativity, Hitler will be forever remembered as an evil dictator, Nietzsche for his proclamation of the death of god. To sum up a person by his interaction with this world is so inappropriate and bastardizing, yet for a fictionally existing entity, this is the only thing we could hope to do.

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OP/ED Discussion 1: Watamote OP, Watashi ga Motenai no wa Dou Kangaetemo Omaera ga Warui

It is often the case that an opening theme attracts my attention enough for me to check out an anime. It is definitely an indispensable asset to the genre. Therefore, this is something I would like to try out. It is exactly what it says on the tin: I post a video of an OP/ED of a show I watched, and say something about it. So here we go:

"I'm on my way to finding my way. Find your way to be courageous!"

I will kick this section off with this melancholic and rather furious outcry of an OP towards an ostracizing society that accepts no person such as Tomoko in Watamote, a reclusive and extremely introverted teenage girl constantly trying to fit into the environment she is in. Although the show itself was not presented in the best way possible, with overtly cringe-inducing moments permeating through the entirety as we witness the poor attempts of Tomoko in trying to socialize and make herself popular, this theme is not without its own charm.

The motif of imprisonment sustains through the video. Tomoko's struggles are vividly depicted as a convict breaking the chains holding her down. Apt analogies are drawn here, with Tomoko rather like a prisoner of the flashy society around her, an outcast rather. Being a deviant in a society pervaded by communication and expressionism perhaps often results in being trapped by the weird gazes of others, functioning within the norm. As opposed to a bright and glamorous stereotypical hero, we have an anti-hero here: Dark, scarred, creepy, delusional and sinful, trying to grab the sun and swallow it whole. 

The music did not appeal to my ears for a good while, until I delved deeper into the show. It fits exactly the theme of the show and is not unlike what a monologue of Tomoko would sound like: Unfettered decry against the people who have it easy, people who do not have to endure the pain known as social anxiety. Its powerful and reverberating screams may at first hurt, but as the show progresses through it serves more than appropriately. Overall, a solid and fitting opening to a rather special and meta show.

Hopefully this can continue onward to each post in the future here. Credits to openings.moe.

On discipline

子曰：「不憤不啟，不悱不發。舉一隅不以三隅反，則不復也。」(《論語·述而第七》)

The main reason that I would dread a career in education would be the inevitable encounter with students that are unmotivated and wasteful. No matter how patient and thought-out a teacher lays his plan, none would germinate on the student determined to not learn. Hence I greatly sympathize with the above quote, and do consider that education should be reserved only for those willing to learn and not those who simply have the financial capability to.

Recently I came across this and thought a bit about the dichotomy presented in the styles of education between the British and the Chinese. I suppose, though, I should not claim the ostensibly "Chinese" method "Chinese" since I do believe this approach is taken widely elsewhere in Asia, such as Korea and Japan. (helps alleviate perhaps some prejudice based on the fact that it is "Chinese" as well) While the British method stresses on personal development, freedom to choose one's stance and attitude to learning, the Asian method tends to force students to be respectful to superiors and humbly learn from them, building a strong sense of heirarchy. In turn, the British students find it absurd to be disciplined by new teachers whom they had no previous experience with: they simply found no reason to act inferior and subdue to teachers, even regular ones, while the Chinese teachers found it ridiculous that one would not want to sit down, shut up and learn, as any sensible individual would want to equip themselves to face this ever more competitive world.

While I strongly value freedom, in both philosophical and practical terms, I also firmly endorse the power of discipline. One who cannot grasp the power to control oneself and place themselves on top of others based on delusional obsession with oneself deserves to fall and not the help from others. One can only use his freedom the moment he can handle it. This is why the Asian system is coarse and downright undesirable on the surface, but at the end produce better results and nurtures some true intellectuals. Those who can emerge powerful in reality would be those who can harness their own power through discipline, and this system enables the development of such mindset. While the British system claims to provide help to all, it unfortunately falls in irony as weaker individuals fall out as completely useless and unable to help themselves because of the aggrandization of their ego, becoming parasites to the society.

There are, however, aspects of the Asian education, as portrayed, that I disapprove of. Power comes from individuality and realization, not from conforming to herd instincts. The "national education" that comes with the Asian teaching in the example above actually disgusts me quite a bit. (The ideal world in my view would not have country borders at all, but that is a story for another time) The large class size also means that interaction with individual students is limited. Problems are thus more difficult to diagnose.

For a long time, I had been strongly influenced by Confucian thoughts. I declared those who disrespect those due for respect as my enemies. However, as I realized how corrupt human nature could be, I started to vow myself to uphold freedom of action and thought. Still, people who abandon their own lives do not deserve babysitting throughout their lives. Therefore, I would say that both sides have much to learn. Though the Asian side received better scores, they mean nothing much if students do not receive anything worthwhile to take away from school. Similarly, sheltering the students from the competitive edge of the world may make their school life quite a bit less miserable and stressed, but also is meaningless and actually detrimental to their well-being later on in their lives.

Also, Required Reading

Some thoughts on morality

"Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math." -GLaDOS on tragedy.

1. DUALITY

Must there be darkness for there to be light?

In the pursuit of goodness, whatever that means, this question may have propped up to "benefactors" frequently. If bad morality is so unsettling, why have humans not eradicated it? One explanation might be that there are more humans inclined towards evilness than goodness, or that evilness empower a human so much that even when the "bad sector" is small, it eclipses humanity/morality in its impact. The problem with this theory is that it treats humans as monotonous entities instead of spectra, which is definitely a bad assumption, seen simply by personal observations or any degree of introspection: It would be quite absurd to say that I (or you) are different from how everyone operates because of the sheer improbability (why would it be me among all who acts differently?). Perhaps some may find the benefits drawn from "vices" outrun those drawn from "morality", but this does not completely exclude the possibility of them to commit any good.

Another reason behind this might be that humanity is too scattered to perform any significant impact on the world. Those who happen to be able to are (inexplicably) tied to evilness because of the corruption of power. I believe this thought does align with what I believe, that selflessness is difficult in individuals, rare in groups and impossible in species. Despite my misanthropic tendencies, I do still not view the average pedestrian as conspiring and immoral. To the extreme, I would treat them as amoral. The point here is that the average person seems to not be infested with bad morals. Yet, it should be noted that the "average" person does not possess much power, and could not impact the world in any meaningful way, to any significant degree. Perhaps it is rather difficult to probe the reason behind all the acts of malevolence after all, and at the end of the day we might account this simply to the "switching-off" of some mechanism within our brain when we actually make a moral decision, regardless of how blatantly obvious the morality behind sides.

It is, however, easy to overlook the possibility that it is not the humans making decisions that are at fault, but the decisions themselves. It is common to see that one decision would conform to a school of thought for morality while simultaneously going against another school completely. Behind an atrocity there might be well justified reasons and events leading up to this inevitable tragedy. Then, it is quite unfair to judge anything, because everything is more or less linked together deterministically throughout that is is quite impossible to isolate single events to enforce a judgment, if this stream of argument were to be followed. This is perhaps why there is a clear distinction between the study of macroscopic worlds and microscopic ones. To unify these require knowledge and traces of an infinite amount it might as well be deemed impossible. To link together macroscopic observations and microscopic psychology of individuals, similarly, is an insurmountable task.

Therefore, it may be useful to think of light as the complement of darkness, good as the complement of evil, and vice versa. In other words, one cannot exist without the other. The moment evil vanishes from the surface of this planet, there would no longer be good either. I would daresay that there would no longer be what we call humanity right now as well. Conscience and altruism constitute us just as much as selfishness, greed and malice. As much as I would like it for humans to better themselves in terms of benevolence over time, evil must exist to balance the deed, for when everyone is a savior, no one is.

2. ON THE VACUOUS NATURE OF ALTRUISM

I originally intended this to be a rational inspection on vegetarianism/veganism, and why I refuse to commit to this cause, but I could not come up with any good ideas on what to write. So instead I looked deeper into what I think of causes generally deemed "altruistic", or morally correct for the betterment of the society/the future of humanity.

Almost by definition of the word, to advocate a cause and not fully act it out is deemed "hypocritical". I condemn no one in favour of these causes, but what is the goal of such actions? The alleviation of suffering, of selfishness, the actuation of kindness and altruism are often brought up. In general, it is morally sound to carry out these actions. Therefore, I deem it reasonable to reduce such actions to those intended for the "betterment of morality".

There are two components to this: Firstly, betterment. This could be quantified as advantages given to humans (or in this case, animals). I use the word "quantified" here for a good reason, as it is impossible to concretely do so. One cannot say that veganism is more noble of a cause than, say, environmentalism. If you insist on helping animals by not eating meat, then why are you not abandoning your phone and computer to save electricity? This saves animals more in the long run, creating a stabler climate for them to not go extinct. Meanwhile, consumption of meat drives breeding of domestic livestock. This is, quite undeniably, a form of "betterment" as well. To advocate one cause while ignoring one? That sounds like hypocrisy.

Secondly, morality. What is morality? If you claim that eating meat is a violation of animal rights and hence morality, I could say that not eating meat is a violation of morality because my parents want me to do so. Obeying what is said by parents (filial piety) is a form of morality in Eastern cultures, often put at much higher importance than other clauses, in fact. If there were a religion dedicated to the worship of plants, this cause would violate its morals. Hence, morality is highly dependent on cultural factors and social environment. How do we accept some morality and reject others then? I believe it stems from what the public agrees to be the best course of action. This higher-level decision is eventually selfish, and by definition amoral as it goes beyond what can be described by morality. One must take some morality over others, and he/she shall face the consequences of taking such path. We may choose to condemn this morality, but the reason eventually must be irrational and personal.

I am fully aware of the copious amounts of strawmen I have erected in my arguments, but I am genuinely disgusted by anyone who claims to be morally correct and enforce their morals on me claiming to be rational. Sorry if this turned into a bit of a rant. I fully acknowledge your altruistic causes, but no one is in any position to condemn others on rational grounds for not following suit.

I do not claim to be anyhow an expert on Nietzsche, but from my first time reading his aphorisms I have fallen in love with his merciless criticism of so called "moralities". What he meant by "ubermensch", to my interpretation, is a man beyond the tethers of morality, beyond the bounds of the drive to do good or evil, but a man that can stand on his own without being swayed and led by arbitrary moral codes and conducts. Others may have different readings into this, but I have decided that this is where I want to eventually stand in terms of my take on morality.

http://ilarge.lisimg.com/image/7269615/968full-puella-magi-madoka-magica-the-movie-part-iii%3A-rebellion-screenshot.jpg

A Definite Alternative

If the real world is so deterministic and saddening, filled with imperfections, misinformation and limitations, does there exist a world for which these drawbacks are (even partially) mitigated? After all, it is natural for all to improve their lives, no matter how short it shall be. Even better, is there a perfect world beyond which we can perceive that immortalizes us? This is perhaps what a lot is searching for.

Enter the Internet, a series of layers and protocols encapsulating messages to be sent worldwide. The birth of this wonder has spawned an entirely new generation of humanity. Our lives are so radically changed by this invention that I find it hard to imagine what I used to do when I had no dial-up just about ten years ago. The Internet allowed people across oceans to reach in a heartbeat, for learning to be a few clicks away, for us to transcend what we can do within local communities and collaborate as an entirety, spawning giants of information and knowledge such as Wikipedia, or networks such as Facebook, Youtube.  With this great phenomenon comes an urgent need for a radically new set of ethics and morality. How do we balance freedom of speech with an explosion of voices, some of which may be malicious? How do we trust what we see? How can we maintain our privacy? Can we assume what a person says on the Internet is what he really means?

More importantly, are we truly ourselves on the Internet?

The answer to this seems to be a no-brainer: Of course we are ourselves, or at least an extension of ourselves in the most direct way: We actively control what we say and what we share on this web of information through what buttons we click or not click. We also are not obligated to stare at the screen and can turn off the computer any time we want, though most do (read: I do). In the age of freedom, this basic ability to control what we do is clearly assumed and expected. At least this is what we believe, but is this really true?

This is quite precisely the concern for Serial Experiments Lain, the (rather infamously) impenetrably abstract animation dealing with, quite vaguely, the issues of technology and identity. In this show, an initially quite technologically inept Lain receives a message from her classmate Chisa, who ostensibly should have been dead. This prompted her to investigate into getting onto the "Wired" (or Internet). I don't claim to have understood most of the message behind, but it is interesting to see that the show splits Lain into not a duality but a trinity of personalities: The Lain in real life, being shy, withdrawn and introverted, the conscious Lain on the Wired, curious and determined to find out more about the unconscious Lain, who apparently commits crimes and controls a group of worshipers known as the Knights. The show interestingly uses the multiple representations of the Japanese language along with English to represent Lain in three different forms (玲音, レイン, Lain). What is emphasized here, though, is that though they are three distinct psyches, they are contained within the same person.

Lain is seen to repeatedly utter to herself, amidst the ambient electric wire noise, that "Lain is Lain." She is herself, and so should you be you, and I be, well, me. I believe that it is quite unnerving if one were to discover an alternate psyche that one cannot control, or simply is quite different from what we are in real life. We all suspend our questioning of whether we can control our actions, because it is quite blatantly obvious from what we do on a daily basis.

Of course, the split personalities of Lain is a gross exaggeration, but in my opinion it might not be far from truthful. After all, on the Internet, we are immersed in a totally different environment. Messaging allows us to think before we speak, and hide our expressions. We can even go without an identity, or impersonate another identity. In fact, this communication protocol allows us to do so much that some may find the real world lackluster, finding no meaning to live in the real world anymore (this is apparently the justification for Chisa's death). On the Internet, we might find a continuation, an extension of what we think our lives would have been, or a replacement of what we are. It is then quite unsurprising that the Internet has gained such popularity in the past decade.

At times, I feel that this is incredibly dangerous. The rate at which the Internet expands is unbelievable, and most certainly uncontrollable. It has become a vital part of our voice, and warrants freedom of speech, and with multiple confusing identities it is quite impossible to track who is who. Yet can we allow the Internet to expand without tether at all? Will truth be eclipsed in the face of lies fabricated by the uncontrollable explosion of information?

Even worse, psyches on the Internet might actually be the uncontrollable. In the show, Lain on the Wired can kill, yet after every time Lain kills someone, Lain in the real world has no idea. If uncontrollable personalities continue to proliferate on this alternate dimension, technological singularity is just around the corner, as the intelligence of the Internet grows to be larger than the real world. It could even create the case where not joining the Internet causes one to be so ostracized, that he/she might as well be dead as he does not "exist" anymore. The virtual world then eclipses the real world quite literally.

Knowledge and technology go hand in hand in one direction only: growth. There is no denying that the Internet is an inevitable creation as humans yearn for social connections due to their tendencies as social animals. Eventually, the world will be covered with the Internet that it would be possible to track every single person's location, appearance and even thoughts with machines. In fact, the show illustrates this through the quest of two "men in black" ordered by their client to try to stop the Wired from taking over the world by contacting Lain, and when they eventually killed off the Knights, their work was "finished." When their client pays them, telling them to disappear into where the Wired is not reachable to avoid danger, they find themselves helpless. Thus, the Internet, in my opinion, is the strongest weapon ever invented. Then, it is not a possibility, but a necessity and an inevitability, that we move ourselves and our intelligence to the Internet, and flourish in this alternative world. All these hypotheses seem quite daunting, but I believe that in this deterministic world, it would be impossible for humans, as a selfish group as a whole, not to attempt to harness this unbounded power promised by the Internet, and be the next Knights united to leach off power from the almighty Lain of the Wired.

"Arisu?"

The Missing Beat (On "Sound! Euphonium")

When I first heard of this anime, I did not have high expectations, with the reason being that it could turn into the biggest stereotypical moeblob extremely easily. After all, the premise is set so perfectly for this to happen: High-school, club activities, slice of life style etc. It is almost screaming the cliches I already had in mind at my face. What I got instead was a pleasant surprise, a production that not only succeeded in technicalities but also engaged my emotions very well.

Sound! Euphonium does not beat around the bush. It throws the viewer right into the fray, right into the high school band left in quite a dissociated state with a change of advisor and a mediocre performance in the past. The plot is narrated from, for the majority, the point of view of Oumae Kumiko, who I would say has nothing extraordinary to start with. Under the influence of the enthusiasm of the newcomers, especially Reina Kousaka, the club's desire to get into the national competition is rekindled. The development of Kumiko as a character parallels the club's growing spirit to endure through hardships and challenges to realize the collective dream.

As I mentioned above, the best thing about this show is how it succeeds in avoiding cliches. Reina could have easily been the twin sister of Rei Ayanami, or the epitome of tsundere; Taki could have been devil's spawn and strict in every way; Instead, all these characters were given depth and an alternate side to their personality, making them resemble real people. This is probably the reason why the plot, despite not involving matter of life and death, being simply the experience of a typical high school club, managed to grip me tightly throughout its runtime.

In this show, I see the concepts of realism and idealism being challenged. The angst of motivating a group of people to pursue a dream that has never been achieved before, of struggling to achieve more than any other can do. To others (and perhaps to me), music is but a vessel of emotions or ideas. To this band, we see music being the goal, the hallmark of hard work and improvement and realization of their dreams. As the band members improve over time, what was once mere talk transforms to reality. This transformation, too, is presented very well throughout the series.

It might be quite strange for me to talk about this feeling of actualization, since if I were one of the characters in the show, I would be Saitou Aoi, a rather insufficient player who cannot take the constant pressure to play difficult parts because of an innate lack of skills. Eventually, she chose to focus on academics and left the band, just as I did five years ago. Indeed, I was filled with cynicism and disdain to those who were more skilled in the trade. They probably put more effort into practicing, and had a greater skillset. I was overwhelmed with something probably akin to jealousy, and, under the pressure of constantly having to skip lessons, I quit without looking back.

I would not say that I was totally blinded by this cynicism towards teamwork and idealism though, as I still hold to some of these views, yet after viewing this show I reconsidered whether the decision to leave the orchestra for me was wise. It was quite clear that I did not have the dexterity and hand-eye coordination, as I still struggle with some basic techniques (I picked up erhu when I was 9 or so, so it's been like 10 years now). Of course this is mostly due to a severe lack of practice and motivation. What this show made me do, perhaps, was to reconsider whether it would have been worth it to push further with this art, to practice until my fingers hurt, to not be daunted with natural disabilities. Even if eventually I were not good enough, as in Katou Hazuki's case, I would have stuck to the orchestra, and witnessed their achievements as the sidekick. Perhaps some of the excitement of actualization and achievement would have spilled over to me as I pretend to have been a part of their efforts, and I would not have been such a cynic.

In any case, I will let the past be what it is: The past, the unchangeable and clearly written history. Again, for a show probably not intended to be densely packed with feels, it does an excellent (rather creepily excellent in fact) job of inciting so many thoughts in my mind. My only criticism would be it short length impairing the development of some key plot elements. Otherwise, this show easily beats most I have seen and deserves the highest praise.



I admit I am a fanatic of OPs and EDs. Also sorry for 1999.

On the human instinct and slave-oriented mind

“假如一間鐵屋子，是絕無窗戶而萬難破毀的，裡面有許多熟睡的人們，不久都要悶死了，然而是從昏睡入死滅，並不感到就死的悲哀。現在你大嚷起來，驚起了較為清醒的幾個人，使這不幸的少數者來受無可挽救的臨終的苦楚，你倒以為對得起他們麼？”

“然而幾個人既然起來，你不能說決沒有毀壞這鐵屋的希望。”

With these words, Lu Xun cried out, and called the Chinese to arms in the wake of the largest change encountered ever in Chinese history, in a period when I would say is the closest China has come to modernity and civilization. It is hugely ironic how this all has been reversed by the rise of CCP, reverting us, de facto, back to the ages of imperialism, corruption and extreme crony Capitalism. However, I suspect that nothing has actually changed. The narrow mindset of the Chinese, fixated only on material goals and competing with others for a better future for themselves has never changed throughout history, passing on generation to generation, forever enforcing this regime of tyranny and nepotism.

Yet, I shall not talk about such a macroscopic issue (with me being not a fit person to make a political commentary anyway). I wish to explore the boundary between coercion and willingness. If all (significant) actions reduce to some factors beyond our control, or simply due to the drive known as "human instincts".

"Human instincts", though possibly driven by the society, could also simply be a will to survive and thrive, to stand the test of time and ever transient conditions. I suppose they are mutually encompassing though, since humans are inherently (and perhaps unfortunately) social. It could also be interpreted as a tendency to fall back to an equilibrium state, or the "comfort zone".

I consider every person as having a certain amount of energy to expend. To leave the "comfort zone" requires a certain amount of "activation energy". However, once this energy barrier is broken, one might settle to a new equilibrium, in which one's experience has changed one's perception of the world, and as such his/her "comfort zone" will have changed.

What makes us unique, then, could be inferred as different perceptions of the "comfort zone". Some may find socializing relaxing, where being in a party would be his/her comfort zone. For some, perhaps staying in would be preferable. I pass no judgment to any kind of interpretation towards "comfort zones" as long as basic morality is not violated. (what this standard is perhaps warrants another discussion separately)

Could we infer from this that there is, in reality, a boundary that consistently restrict free will, if "free will" is to be interpreted as complete spontaneity in action, limiting to the speed of the freely thinking mind? It seems that any reference to "free will" necessitates comparison. Say in "感冒" by 西西, the protagonist is described to spontaneously go watch a football match in spite of the gender stereotype imposed on housewives. Free will here then refers to removing the tether of social perception of the type of person defined by the circumstances of the protagonist. However, in this vastly multivariate world, what, precisely, is the tether? What is preventing us from becoming truly the masters of ourselves?

If we look back in history, where people's lives are always confined by social norms that do seem quite eccentric and barbaric currently, such as absolute loyalty to superiors, the emperor, to a certain religion, certain practices etc. Today we are glad that we have grown out of the lives that had to be lived by people of the past (for most, at least). Nevertheless, we could always extend this logic to conclude that our lives would be considered conservative and uncivilized in 50 years, and their lives would again be subjected to such perception by those 50 years later, and so on.

As humans grasp greater and greater understanding of nature, engineers are ever more able to harness the power of nature to humanity's benefit. What will this mean for freedom? On one hand, we could have the rise of a technocracy of malice and inhumane minds, controlling crucial secretive weapons to threaten the world. On the other hand, we could eliminate the suffering of those in poverty by increased technology, leading to greater capabilities of production and trade.

Thus, the tether is a social phenomenon, and this progresses quite randomly through history. We know not what future holds, and what challenges face us even in the vicinity of the present. What does not change, however, is the human instinct: To survive and thrive.

This is why I have to come to the conclusion that humans possess a "slave-oriented mind". Our actions are eventually defined by our identity, our place in the society. Even if we live in the so-called free world right at this moment, it is incorrect to say that we are not tethered to anything. the meta-narrative is omnipresent, and spontaneous actions performed by a human in the matter of tens of years cannot possibly change anything.

There are exceptions though. A person may have such an expanded world view that his/her actions are directly aimed at improving the livelihood of those in the future. He/she may work tirelessly, perpetually and perhaps extremely staunchly simply for the betterment of the world. Yet, I do think that this is quite a rarity, and in groups this is even more of an extremity. If his/her goals deviate from the meta-narrative of the society by a great deal, a very large resistance is bound to be formed and he/she would not be able to achieve much unless under miraculous circumstances. He/she may then be deemed as an idol, a benefactor of history. Yet, more often he/she may gain notoriety instead, and even more so may just fade in failure, never to be heard of again. I daresay that the average human would not be so brave to put his/her life on the lines for such a vague concept of humanity.

It is a saddening fact that uncivil and horrendous acts, ideas and governors continue to exist unabashedly in the present day, with so many people astonished by the stupidity and acts of evil produced repeatedly. It is even more saddening that these people simply cannot be stopped. When the evils of the present stop, more will rise. It is simply human nature for everyone to ignore these acts and stay down. For one person to leave his comfort zone, it may not require much. For a million to leave their comfort zone though is something that only exists in fiction. Probabilistically it is almost as if all gas particles of a room would suddenly coalesce together into a solid ball and come down crashing on the status quo. We count of thermodynamics that this simply will not happen, just as I count on human instincts that this world, no matter how I look at it, is eventually nihilistic.

I admire the courage of Lu Xun. Eventually, quite metaphorically saying, the iron house did break down after his life. Little did he know, though, that the iron house was, in fact, contained within another iron house with walls twice the thickness.

Instrumentality

"時に　西暦２０１６年
人々の失われたモノ
すなわち、心の補完は続いていた"

July is an interesting time I look forward to, not only because of the end of exams, but also because of the commencement of the timeline detailed in Neon Genesis Evangelion, the first proper anime I watched. While procrastinating, I decided to revisit one of the most confusing and controversial episodes of the original series, episode 26. While not being a fan of rewatching as I find knowing the ending usually spoiling my enjoyment, I found great and newfound value gained from reviewing this particular episode after one whole year.

(A commentary on the last episode of the series would naturally contain spoilers, so the following is supposedly quite spoiler heavy. Also, these are but my own interpretations and might not be the best after all)

FEAR

Everyone carries responsibilities, someone to account to, something to account for. From these we derive our schedule, our routine of things to do during the day, plans to carry out throughout the year. What we view is, however, still but a small fraction of our course of life. So, largely, we are unaware that these define the stages of our life, or identity as I have mentioned for so many times. What differs us from computers running instructions and expectations is how we view the process and the outcome. A computer is neutral to all feelings: It would not protest against running the same code thousands and thousands of times. It would not feel bad if a part of a program failed to execute. In contrast, we, as humans,derive satisfaction from completing tasks. We feel overwhelmed when we are tasked with too much work or too high of an expectation. Most importantly, we fear the uncertainty of the future. Computers are, after all, deterministic machines, so it is natural for them to have no fear. Once we set foot into unknown territories of time though, we are overcome with the task to remain afoot, to not let uncertainty and irrationality wash over our conscious mind.

This is what SEELE has in its mind for the Human Instrumentality Project. To become one means the integration of all variables known as humans in the function known as the society. Much like molecules of gas in the atmosphere, the sheer infinity of our minds and the plethora of ideas that erupts forth from such minds are uncontrollable, unpredictable and irrational. These qualities are exactly what some may think as "dangerous". Bringing all to one reduces this equation to a simple assertion of one variable, which quickly becomes a constant.

However, why did Shinji reject instrumentality? All was bleak for him in the vicinity of the ending: Asuka losing her sanity over the lack of praise, angels getting stronger and stronger, carrying out psychological attacks, having to kill probably the one and only one understanding friend Kaworu with his own hands. Shinji has fallen to a paradox: Were he to run away, he would lose his meaning of life: As the only compatible pilot for EVA-01; were he to stay, his suffering and angst would simply continue. He came to the conclusion that everybody basically hates him, unless he does something remarkable with EVA-01. Hence, he says to himself

"I mustn't run away."

He must put himself on the rack again and again, for this is the only way he has found to live. And thus,

"Eva itself will be yourself."

At this rate, with the fleeting world around him, there would be no reason to reject instrumentality. It gives man a reason to exist: To be part of the greater collective, to combine the strength of all to iron out the weaknesses of individuals, to transcend the limit of humans, known as emotion and insecurity.

THE WORLD WITH NOBODY

"What is this? The world with nothing in it?"

Perhaps if we remove the prospect of humanity and the like, and replace it with lifeless void, we would be better. In the case of Shinji, I daresay that what occurred would have better not occurred. Wouldn't it be good if what he was experiencing right now was merely an illusion, a harmless nightmare that would dissolve once someone pinches him? This is instrumentality: By uniting everyone, we eliminate others as they are no longer "others", but "me" or "us". A singular entity does not have any rivalry, any companion, or any friends. And since the human mind is already so convoluted, the combined intelligence would most likely, working in unison, be all knowing, not unlike the Sibyl system in Psycho-Pass. It would be the ultimate augmentation to any singular human, yet it also removes all that we know of as "surroundings". There would be no more expectations and rules set by others to be obeyed irrationally. Everything is free.

Yet, such a world, even if it does exist, would not be desirable. An astronaut floating free from the tethers of gravity (provided that he has infinite oxygen and food) could as well float forever, but he would eventually wish to return to earth, for it is his home. It is his home because it simply is the environment he is used to be in. Without this environment, he would feel unnatural, or even not survive. An appropriate analogy would be how our body would explode under zero pressure environment and be fine under the immense pressure of the atmosphere, as opposed to the much more reasonable, rational opposite. We were born to this world with expectations that we would perform our duties as a child pious to his parents, obedient to his teachers, respectful to his seniors, nice to his peers, share some interests with the public. People who fail to do so would be outcasts, almost by definition. The sense of "unfreedom" is so ingrained inside us that it becomes unnatural to remove this apparent barrier to happiness. Are we doomed to live unfulfilling lives by simply being ourselves?

"In the act of observing others you may find yourself."

Therefore, we fall into the same paradox: the more people around us, the more we suffer from expectations and norms. Yet, with no one around us, we lose our meaning of existence. Shinji is doomed to exile, or simply stay in NERV and endure the psychological torture day by day. He is either something abhorrent, or nothing at all.

A NEW POSSIBILITY?

You may have noticed that the paradox I mentioned occurs in extremes. Most people we see around us are normal, typical individuals who are seemingly not affected by this thought (perhaps the cryptic reality scene in EoE alludes to this). How is this so? Anno tells us that the answer lies in "perspectives". Asuka doesn't have to be a pilot who repeatedly was trying to gain praise to fulfill her desire of self-worth. Instead she could be Shinji's childhood friend, waking him up for school. Rei does not have to be the vessel of humanity, and sacrifice her humanity for instrumentality. She could be the typical shy student in the same class as Shinji. Perhaps a decent show could have emerged under these circumstances. Throughout the whole show we see the perspectives of Shinji and Asuka, yet who said we must follow their footsteps? Who said that the kids must not exist outside of being a pilot? Why can't they have a different dictation of their story, of their identity, and of their lives? Anno wished us to break free of his grasp, to explore the reality away from the imaginary world of NGE, to gain your own version of truth, your own interpretation of your story, of Shinji's story, of Asuka's story, of everyone around you.

Once you break free of the tethers of objective existence, characterized by others' expectations, you start to truly live, and to this Anno says to you:

"Congratulations!"

For me, though, to this I raise the possibility of the objectivity of tragedy. Though the human mind and emotions are flexible, is there such thing as an infinitely versatile mind/interpretation? Would something hit us so hard that it is impossible to recover? Would there be forever a vestige of doubt, of melancholy, of selfish desire left after all the attempts at reinterpreting a situation, just as Homura from Madoka Magica had? I liked to use the excuse of "forgetfulness" to resolve regrets, yet does it always work? In philosophy, this would be the epitome of non-rigour, of hand-waving. To this question, then, I have yet to find an answer.

CONCLUSION: EMBRACING THE UNIVERSE

I believe that there is always a motivation or reason behind everything. There is a reason why the wind blows, a reason why the flower grows, a reason why water flows; a reason why there is love, and hatred, and melancholy, and happiness. Therefore, there must be a reason why we live, why Shinji rejects instrumentality as the final answer, why we all walk in the crowd, yet have our own individual self without questioning the absurdity of that. Given the lifespan of humans being quite a long time, I would assume that most would have thought about this matter somehow, to a certain extent. Why are we still able to embrace the universe and fate as it is, as cruel and unforgiving as it is? Anno throws this question at us and attempts to answer it, encouraging us to think about it ourselves through this animation.

Provided that my life would be sufficiently long, this will be one of the many questions that I probably would not have an answer till the vicinity of my death. Yet, I do look forward to any time that a new light could shine on me for this problem at hand.

Amazing how an anime of 20 years old is still so relevant today, isn't it?

What is also interesting is how people of 20 years ago sees 2015.

Credit to http://www.animanga.com/scripts/textesgb/eva26.html, http://www.stevegilham.com/nge/congratulations.jpg.

Decretum

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow...

What do you think you are doing? What do you want? Why are you here? For years I have been asking myself these questions. I live for myself, fight for myself, for surviving another day in this ruthless world of competition. But then you appeared, and I stopped questioning myself, for you are, by any measure, a much more interesting person to question than myself.

From the first time I saw you I find you laughable, perversely detached from reality. To fight for justice, to fight for happiness, hope, order... How ridiculous. Life is too short to care about anything other than your own survival. How many times do you have to fail to learn this?

In some sense I understand how you feel. Your happiness derives from others'. Yet, isn't this the worst form of disability? To rely on others all the time, to depend on situations where uncertainty rules high for your own well-being. Only foolish girls would fall for this blatant trap.

Aren't we all specks on the never ceasing arrow of entropy? Our existence has always been doomed to end in an entropic manner. No one can reverse the force of irreversibility. It is a written law above us all. So you think you, making a wish for someone who doesn't even love you, would somehow reverse this never-ending cycle of doom? I am here to tell you miracles are thus named because they do not happen. The laws of this universe do not operate on sympathy.

Red. All the red around us. The colour of blood, of sacrifice, of fiery passion. How fitting in this occasion. In you I have found my past, my foolish self who never doused her flames of destructive fantasies. I, like you, have only recently been revealed to the truth. It almost took your life, yet you continue to march majestically into this gaping trench. Is your life worth so little that you are willing to throw away for nothing?

How ironic that the most beautiful insects are also the most deadly, the brightest flames destroys the most, that the most kind-hearted person brings upon the most tragic death. And now, the hopeful of them meets the most aloof, so desensitised to the tragedy of our kind. Perhaps it is true after all that the extremes always merge back into a cycle, as if time loops around itself, and I am here to meet my own self again. How ironic, that I now shall fight myself. What have you done, Fate? The mighty sorceress, who transcends time and space, lusting over the glowing essence of all that we call hope, till all that remains is but an empty core of despair over extinguished candles.

My concerto is coming to an end. The brass flourish, tremolo from the strings, trills from the winds... All instruments awaiting for the final swing of my bow. So let me defy you once, Fate, let me defy you just once. Let me be both death and her maiden, and seal my last vestige into this realm.

Identity

(Way overdue from November last year. In before why not Chinese cartoons?)

His life lasted for merely 61 years, yet he has seen the rise and fall of three dynasties, the struggle for the people who had been slaves of his race for three centuries rise up against him, with himself going from an oblivious emperor living inside the golden shell of a palace to nothing but dust, among hundreds of millions of others, witnessing the tumultuous birth of what China is today. What would such a man recognize himself as? Does he even have an identity?

I came across the TV series Extraordinary Citizen (非常公民) a few months ago (while procrastinating during the IB exams), which portrayed the last emperor of Qing, Aisin-Gioro Puyi with superb attention of him as a person instead of what role he fulfills in the eyes of the common folk. Though the show centres upon his romantic life (which is also quite interesting), it is the candid portrayal of Puyi's psyche as he was, suddenly in the middle of his childhood, ripped from his position by the breaking out of the revolution, eventually declining into being the puppet of the Japanese empire, and even as a war prisoner to be "re-educated" by Russian and Chinese Communists that interested me the most. After wasting half of his life trying to fulfill his delusion to be an emperor, in the process sacrificing his dignity, his power, his freedom, and eventually his sanity and, most importantly, his identity as a person. The incredible detail carved onto Puyi makes the man marking the end of imperial China extremely easy to relate, as I learnt how Puyi, the supposedly most powerful person in the whole of China, was still unable to escape the flow of time, floating helplessly as a piece of log.

Puyi threw away his love, his life and his humanity for one sole purpose: To search for his lost identity. He lived the first two decades of his life as an emperor (unofficially, as he was unaware of). When the truth of his powerlessness eventually broke in (fairly well hidden from him by the officials around him), he sought to stay as an emperor, and eventually, under the convincing of the Japanese, willingly gave in everything. He knew of nothing but to be an emperor, as his whole life hitherto was filled with this role. He had no skills, but an enormous ego, an ego that all emperors were taught to have and reasonably possessed and infinitely inflated. To him, this ego is everything, everything his life meant.

Today, we look at Puyi askance, wondering why he betrayed his people, questioning the true motives behind his actions. Yet, his life of frantic search for an identity poses a very profound challenge to what we mean by purpose; specifically, the purpose of life, the ultimate purpose. The meaning of life (certainly not 42) is complex, and no one would claim to have/be able to grasp it fully in his/her short life. This turns me to wonder if the search of meaning itself is the meaning itself, that when we realize the vastness of possibilities and uncertainty do we, ironically, begin our search and consolidate the meaning of life.

Here, identity plays an important role. To have an identity means to be realized as a part of a community, to play a role in the course of history, and perhaps to make a mark, because we know that only through this can we make ourselves permanent in memory of the future, that we can be remembered as what we want to be remembered as. Thus, I daresay that this makes us immortal to a certain extent. With immortality being one of the dreams of humanity, identity, defining the direction of human life, perhaps has become what we mean by life itself.

In this ever changing world, almost nothing stays constant, even if it is not always apparent as in Puyi's world. To become an identifiable person is more and more of a challenge in the age of dream-seeking, with fate forever diverting the expected course of life. Yet, can we still embrace this rapid and uncertain flow? Can we get hold of what we are currently, and live with acceptance but vision?

For me, forgetfulness comes to play.

Colours

Even if the colours of the world that were sent through prisms fade 
And everything is filled with this kind of grey 
When it comes down to it, I can do it on my own 
I'll show you that I can repaint them again in future

Slowly the room flooded with morning light, the sun sending down countless diverging rays, penetrating through the ever so slight gap between his curtains. Another day has arrived.

He lay, motionlessly, on his bed, blurring the line between unwillingness and inability. The blanket enveloped him like a cocoon, an unyielding cage of idling. Each minute passed by made the room brighter, gradually intruding his peace. A sickly white projection manifests on the wall, peering down on him with utmost judgment.

The concept of time no longer exists with in this isolated, airtight space. One hour is worth as much as one minute, or a day, or a lifetime. Motion is no longer possible, while his mind was paralyzed within the frame of time he exists within. The cocoon wraps around him, ever tighter, almost strangling him.

Perhaps in another room, there would be a person, man or woman, shaking off their cocoon, freeing themselves from the confinements of the present. They would walk up to their mirrors, and plan their day ahead of time. A day full of excitement from meeting others, to seeing new places, gaining new, however trivial, knowledge, and perhaps sometimes discuss politics and philosophy.

In another room, that would be him.

Deathly silence permeates this space of his mere existence. It speaks louder than any crowd, producing shockwaves no one can imitate or induce. In his mind no more can be heard, but random garbage and pseudo-intellectual ramblings. Something about the future, about how he can use his skills, to help the world, possibly. Some picture of him under a bright, azure sky, looking up, realizing that he is one of the colours in this spectrum known as the society, that he is one of the atoms that scattered the UV light, painting out this stunning sky.

How ironic, that the blue sky outside would project a ghostly pale image on his wall.

It is with this thought that he resumes his eternal slumber. I wish him a good night.

Irritations

1.

We are out of time!

Are these words even spoken? Are they real? These questions have bugged him for the whole journey. The only traces of her presence would be the faint smell of perfume, or perhaps the light bouncing off her slightly reflective complexion. He has lost sense of time since the beginning of the night, when he, decidedly, was not alone. As to why, he completely lost track of the reason, I am afraid.

Blending into the darkness was nothing but a long road of tarmac. Bleak, lifeless, but clear and distinct; distinctly repeating into infinity. They marched onward, blissfully unaware of any sense of future. After all, the night is long enough that anything in the future is not of worry.

We ran out of time!

Strange. He heard those words again. Under the sickly yellow streetlights he saw nothing but darkness in front of him. Or rather, under him I suppose. Not one car or even people was seen. A very peaceful night, save the distinctly repeating, perhaps immaterial voices.

Where was he? What was he doing? He would be glad if these questions were asked, instead of the frequent reminder of lateness. What was there to be late for anyway?

Immaterial as they were, the words stuck in his mind, which he wished he could discard for just this hour, this fine hour. He knew that after this hour there would be no walk, no light, no road, no bleakness... no perfume.

This was why he was here. This was. This was! This...

He ran out of time.

As the luminous fairy dust wore off from her, he, the shadow, gradually faded from her. Into nothingness, not even darkness.

2.

I have not finished this anime yet, but Welcome to the NHK is definitely an interesting one to say the least. I would not say it is excellent in terms of anything, and in some sense it is kind of lackluster compared to the legendary ones such as Steins;gate etc. It doesn't build up enough tension for me to care too much about it. Yet, I am writing about this here, mainly because of how much it manages to resonate with reality.

The lack of tension quite perfectly depicts how dull and dry a hikkikomori's life is. The use of wild and fantastical elements accurately portrays what illusions a hikky would have to this real world. It touches on a wide variety of issues, such as the problems of lack of social/vocational skills, how the society views and treats hikkies, depression, suicide etc. Yet, all these scenes end quite anti-climatically. In my humble opinion, this is what makes this show so interesting. The life of hikkies, almost by definition, is anti-climatic, boring, meaningless, and full of hatred and disdain.

Makes me think that were I to be in this parallel universe where I am less competent with math and science, I would be in a strikingly similar situation as Satou. However, of course, there is no such person as Misaki in the real world.

3.

Pretty obviously, I have added some music on the blog.

Yea, that happened. The title and origin of the music is labelled on the top left corner. Might add more to the playlist if I want to in the future.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the shadow