Two thoughts have been bothering me lately.
1. Traveling scares me.
I have no idea why sitting in an airplane with numerous measures to prevent one from getting bored or feeling claustrophobic is a scary prospect. The moment I leave for the airport, watching familiar buildings flash by, countless pedestrians drifting around, simply minding their own business, going on with their usual lives, while I am sent on this journey that takes me to somewhere way far, unimaginably so if you think carefully. Tens of thousands of times the distance reachable by walking, myriads the amount of distance from my usual routine roaming. Can you comprehend how far I will be from you in a few hours, stranger?
Perhaps it is the uncertainty, how you never know what will happen in the journey ahead. I talk not of misfortunes, but of the random occurrences, the thought that once I started, I will never go back. The point of no return. The idea of home always comforts me, unchanging, comfortable, constant. This may make me seem like a coward, a person who cannot handle change, and in fact, I am. It is just how I was born to be.
But I know that change should bring something good. There must be a reason why I chose this path, why, initially, I decided to pursue this route, to send myself thousands of miles, two continents away from my home, to this strange, unfamiliar place, where all I have is myself.
All of this hanging on the ever so delicate thread called hope.
In other words, I fear.
2.(Heavy spoilers of Steins;Gate, Disappearance of Haruhi, Clannad and Link's Awakening ahead. Proceed with caution)
Is there something worse than death?
I have come to known that there in fact is. It is to fade away from existence completely, without a trace, and have no one ever remember you ever again. Gone. Erased.
Numerous animes and games have exploited this to an emotional and moral effect: Okabe in Steins;Gate, Haruhi (or rather the entire SOS brigade community) in her movie, Fuko in Clannad, and the entire Koholint Island in Link's Awakening. No memories are retained, like someone waking from a dream. Everyone carries on with their duties, with no more mentions of you, no more concern for you.
This is why we strive to strike an impact on everyone we want to meet, I suppose, even if we know we, eventually are going to die. We need to prove to the world that we existed, we have once breathed the air on Earth, we have once been young, and reckless, have once been mature, and loved, and cared, and contributed to the flowing river of history.
But in the long run, in the future of humanity, of post humanity, we will eventually be forgotten. Even if history books mentioned us, we have limited capacities in our brains, and once we die we can no longer access our memory. Computers will decay into lifeless metal, books will be decomposed by worms. No knowledge is eternal. It vaporizes eventually, as easily as the flick of an electrical switch, a tap of a button. Gone.
This poses a huge problem to the philosophy of life. Why do we live on even if we know it is going to end? All meaning will be lost once we are forgotten, and the time which the world takes to forget us is finite, though inconceivably long in our standards. Is this an indication of why lies are as important as truth? Without the illusion of eternity, we (or at least I) will be constantly challenged by waves upon waves of Nihilism. Does seeking the truth require illusions to grant itself purpose, or is it meaningless after all? Camus tells us to find the meanings ourselves among this absurdity, but at times, I really struggle. At times, I do feel similar to the player mentioned by Macbeth, strutting and fretting in his hour upon the stage, but then, like an extinguished candle, is heard of no more.
In this sense, we are naive. Everyone is naive to their eventual fate. Perhaps some may be more clairvoyant, ore observant of this fact. But for a narrow-minded, antisocial person like me, I cannot but relent myself to the deathly grasp of Nihilism.
Thank you for listening.
"If you wish, would you like me to take you
To the place in this city where wishes come true?"
