[A sugar sweet nightmare.]
The concert hall was darker than he thought. Darker than he was used to at least. The only prominent sources of light were the flickering pupils of the audience. Countless small but intently gazing eyeballs, waiting for something to float into their field of vision. The musicians on the stage were still as statues, their black trousers and dresses blending well into the pitch black backdrop. It is the kind of blackness you would expect in a funeral, a black and white one: except that the all vestiges of the pure white is gone, leaving us with nothing but hopeless darkness.
And in the corner it was her, also black, but a different kind.
It was not his first time to step on the creaking wooden stage. Yet, every time he went close to the edge of collapsing from the claustrophobia, the dazzling floodlights would inundate the stage with light so bright he would forget his existence. From there, he would automatically walk onto the pedestal. Almost like a robot programmed with fluid movements, he would raise his hands, and wave it about for a bit. Before he knew it, the piece would have ended, and he would be drowned in applause. He would still be dazed a bit, since he just went through a loss of consciousness, but he would eventually wake up, and forget all about this ordeal.
But this time was different. He could sense it. The anesthetic lights did not work. He was still trembling. Why is that? He felt a severe chill, as if he was still walking on the streets, which would be deserted by now, with everyone already seated in the concert hall. The irony creeps up to him, forcing him to the brink: He knew he was no conductor after all. He was never meant to be one.
And in the corner it was her, drawing all the light in. She was pitch black, like an endless abyss.
What am I waiting for? he asked himself. This was one question he could not answer at all. His legs were glued to the ground. Or rather, the command to move was not issued yet from the computer. Yet the gazes of the audience, one that completely pierces his mask of confidence and courage are relentless. They want to be sated, and they want it now.
Thus, he walked, like a toddler who just learnt how to. Each step felt manual and unnatural, like overcoming a mountain. By the time he reached the centre, he had already scaled the greatest heights known to man. Sweat beaded from his head uncontrollably, and for some reason, tears emerged from his eyes, completely against his will. Why was he crying? Indeed, no one would know.
He desperately opened his scores, to the right page. But there was no right page. His vision, blurred by the flood of sweat and tears, told him so. He flipped and flipped, but there was no page that seemed remotely familiar.
She was there, throughout the process, as he blacked out. Her silence was just as black.
As if the world isn't black enough already.
Thus, he walked, like a toddler who just learnt how to. Each step felt manual and unnatural, like overcoming a mountain. By the time he reached the centre, he had already scaled the greatest heights known to man. Sweat beaded from his head uncontrollably, and for some reason, tears emerged from his eyes, completely against his will. Why was he crying? Indeed, no one would know.
He desperately opened his scores, to the right page. But there was no right page. His vision, blurred by the flood of sweat and tears, told him so. He flipped and flipped, but there was no page that seemed remotely familiar.
She was there, throughout the process, as he blacked out. Her silence was just as black.
As if the world isn't black enough already.
They were alone, on the tower. The tower was none other than the T. Tower, perhaps the highest in the world, but perhaps not. It does not matter.
The sky was filled with clouds. Not the sort that would ensue thunderstorms and violent downpour though. It could be described as silver, but it would be more appropriate to say they were white. Not the kind of white that is characteristic of snow, but one that is dull, boring and indeed incites a feeling of dread and unrest.
And on the top of the tower, in a restaurant where no one really goes to anymore due to it being too expensive, there they were. Him, and her.
She was clearly speaking, but he could not hear anything for some reason. Not that he was deaf or anything. He could only hear the clouds, moving at a surprisingly fast speed, like those in a timelapse video. It seemed like she was reprimanding him, for his incompetence, for his cowardice, and more and more. But he had not heard her voice in such a long time, that he forgot how to perceive any sound coming from her.
She was beautiful, stunningly beautiful as he knew her. But on that day, on that irritating white morning, he could not see her face. The only thing he saw was her vague figure (still beautiful), and the stark shadows cast upon the pure white background. The shadows of steel, that composes this metallic terrace. They were neither cold, nor warm. They were neutral, absolutely apathetic of this absurd encounter between the couple.
And, as still as a picture, he sat there. At the table. With her, who was merely a shell of the person he had known.
I always wondered whether pairing the words "couple" (or anything to that effect) and "alone" is wrong. Those two were sitting alone. Doesn't that sound strange to you? More so, when it was "him" and "her", right?
"They freeze in their positions as the lights begin to go down slowly. We begin to hear
music from the last movement of Mozart’s Dissonant Quartet. Paulina and Roberto are
covered from view by a giant mirror which descends, forcing the audience to look at
themselves. For a few minutes, the Mozart Quartet is heard, while the spectators watch
themselves in the mirror. Selected moving spots flicker over the audience, picking out
two or three at a time, up and down rows." - Death and the Maiden, 2.1
OP Discussion 14: Sengoku Nadeko's themes, Renai Circulation (Bakemonogatari) and Mousou Express (Otorimonogatari)
"Now, now, really... Why did things have to end up this way?"
No one saw how Sengoku Nadeko would evolve to this aberration, a true monster that is fueled by nothing but jealousy and hatred. No one saw even how such intense and malicious emotions would be able to exist in such an innocent looking and "cute" middle school girl, as testified by almost everyone in the show.
The story of Nadeko is simple. Ever since childhood, from a visit to the Araragis, she fell for Araragi Koyomi, much like many others in the show, to his kindness and rather charismatic demeanor. There is no dramatic moment of realization, or some kind of love at first sight, and there honestly needs no such thing for love to bloom. However, due to the age difference, Koyomi has always treated Nadeko more as a younger sister. Much like Hanekawa, Nadeko has kept her love to Koyomi buried in herself, allowing it to ferment and rot.
In Bakemonogatari, Nadeko was cursed by her classmates for her rejection of a classmate's confession, and was disturbed by the Snake Constrictor. Being meek and shy, she didn't want to trouble anyone, and in particular Koyomi, leading her to try reading up on the curse and solving the problem on her own, by slaughtering the white snakes that inhabit the North White Snake shrine, to no avail. As the problem worsened, she had to call Koyomi, who valiantly battled with the snake in front of the North White Snake shrine. Once again, Nadeko witnessed the altruism displayed by her target of admiration.
In the Second Season (Otorimonogatari arc), the situation seemed similar: A snake aberration, who called himself Kuchinawa-san, appeared to Nadeko as illusions, shocking her every now and then. She initially turned to Koyomi for help again, but this time the snake talked, as a voice in her head. The snake did not understand how she could stay meek when people cursed her behind her back, pushed unwanted tasks to her, and used her for their sake. Using guilt as well for an argument (reminding her of the killing of his brethren), he asked her to find his vessel, and in return would grant some wishes she had. She would then slowly be enticed by the snake to do his bidding, gradually assimilating her personality[1], though still staying meek in her monologues and most of the time in the exterior. Unable to resist the possibility to charm Koyomi with this wish, she eventually would break into his house, where the vessel was hidden, and swallow it, becoming a "god", who rampaged and seriously injured Koyomi and his resident vampire companion, Oshino Shinobu, intending to kill all who denied her love.
All throughout the story, we see Nadeko, whether in Koyomi's point of view in Bakemonogatari, or in first person in Otorimonogatari, as a victim. She was cursed by her classmates, held hostage by an aberration to do his bidding, and seduced by the snake to transform into a cold blooded killer. But the twist comes when Kuchinawa told Nadeko that he never approached her, nor was he able to before her retrieval of his vessel. Everything was made up by Nadeko, and her actions in Otori were entirely an excuse to become god and sate her jealousy and bloodlust, as she learnt how to do so when she researched about the curse in Bake.
At this point we are confronted with two possibilities: To trust Kuchinawa here, or to trust Nadeko here. We could trust Nadeko, since in her perspective (as we see it in the first episodes), Kuchinawa is a sly and manipulative voice of evil, who wishes to abuse Nadeko to rise to godhood. Yet, there is no denying that Nadeko's hatred and ill-will has such ferocity, witnessed through one of the most violent scenes in the second season. Moreover, throughout the buildup, while Nadeko was still normal, and looked innocent, a lot of characters demonstrated hostility, questioning her integrity and accusing her of pretending to be cute to buy sympathy, which was quite uncalled for. Nadeko, being shy, could not respond.
"Silence, huh?". They demonstrated no pity, wildly contrasting with Koyomi's attitude.
Were they prescient? It turned out that they even underestimated the wrath that Nadeko could demonstrate, or the degree of malevolence, the intent of murder that existed in her. Indeed, when it comes to deducing what a person was thinking, or what motivated a person when he/she commits an atrocity, truth is often elusive. Only he/she knows what he/she was thinking. Even this fact could be disputed, as Nadeko referred to the past events, the whole narrative to the viewers, as a "delusion", merely the unconscious deluding her to insanity. While it does take time for malevolent thoughts to roll up into physical actions, the process could be well hidden, even to the perpetrator himself.
A running theme in the series is the fact that aberrations are in fact human. Or, put another way, humans are the source of aberrations, or that humans are in fact monsters ourselves. In each human there exists the propensity for evil, but we are quick to blame and make excuses, sometimes to the point of deluding ourselves. Is this not the case when Mersault murdered the Arab in cold blood in L'Etranger? Neither Nadeko nor Kuchinawa were reliable narrators, so there was no reason to trust both totally. Even if Kuchinawa was a god (without a vessel), he was an aberration, who could only gain power through people's belief and, in this case, malice that was already present in Nadeko. Meanwhile, it was not a surprise that Nadeko housed such anger that could overturn the world. After all, all that was fictional was the fact that these emotions were materialized. They were as real as it could get, in any human you would find on the streets.
Another thing that could be brought under discussion is destiny. In both OPs, Nadeko refers to destiny:
"Dear god, thank you.
Even if it is just destiny playing a prank on me
I'm glad that I could meet him" - Renai
"Excuses, reasons,
They are all such pain.
It's destiny, so it can't be helped" -Mousou
The whole story revolving around gods, the setting of the shrine, and the supernatural motif of the whole series also point towards the theme of uncontrollable powers, a laid out path for which everything eventually would fall towards. Could Nadeko have prevented this? After all, in the in media res segment at the beginning of Otori, Nadeko lamented how things had to turn out like this, and in her phone conversation with Hitagi Senjougahara, Koyomi's girlfriend, despite her intent to murder, Nadeko still asked whether, if this tragedy had not ever happened, would Hitagi be willing to befriend her. It seemed that Nadeko didn't will this ending totally.
It is often said that one's personality determines one's fate. I used to find this statement quite strange, since personality is something I believe one could change, and will do over time as one grows, and fate is by definition something akin to destiny: Unchangeable and determined. However, now I start to wonder whether it is the other way round, that personality is something that could not be changed, and that it is a manifestation of fate itself. Nadeko, as a shy girl, was bound to attract jealousy and animosity towards her, pushing her to believe that no one is to be trusted. Unable to express herself, she would be misunderstood frequently, and could only use her cuteness to communicate, and eventually to get what she wanted, to maintain her image, and even to extort. It was not that Nadeko was evil when she was born, it was just that she had no choice but to walk the path of delusions and trickery, to the point that she tricked herself to believe that she was just an innocent girl when she could not stop until she got what she wanted, violently.
The world around Nadeko was not a pleasant one either. Except for Koyomi, almost everyone was hostile to her throughout the series. It was reflected in the start of Mousou, the characteristic laughs. At first listen, those laughs did send a great chill down my spine, along with the echoing "ぜんぶ... (everything)". I wondered how such an innocent character could utter such shocking words,
"If the world can't be the way I want,
Then I have no need of it anymore.
I only want one thing:
Everything, everything, everything, everything..." -Mousou
Compare this with the soft and fluffy tune of Renai, it seemed that Nadeko's character almost turned 180 degrees from the start to now.
"Every long journey begins with one little step!
With a stern determination that is set in stone
Build a pile of garbage up to become Yamato Nadeshiko[2]?" -Renai
From the optimistic girl who wanted to change herself to meet Koyomi's standards, to the one who would abandon the world on a whim to consume everything, we see a huge contrast. However, as per the discussion above, do we really have two different people here? All that Nadeko cared about, from the beginning, was Koyomi. No where did she mention anything else, but to get the sight of Koyomi on her.
"Don't take your eyes off me,
Never and ever" -Renai
Could this be called love? We saw in Bake what the epitome of love was, through the revered star-gazing scene in Ep. 12. Nisio Isin seems to want to say that this is not love, but obsession. Through Tsukihi Araragi's questioning, we saw that Nadeko's love was more like obsession with a TV star, or a comic hero, rather than love with a person. She wanted more to possess him than to accompany him.
"If the world can't be the way I want,
Then I have no need of it anymore.
I only want one thing:
Everything, everything, everything, everything..." -Mousou
Compare this with the soft and fluffy tune of Renai, it seemed that Nadeko's character almost turned 180 degrees from the start to now.
"Every long journey begins with one little step!
With a stern determination that is set in stone
Build a pile of garbage up to become Yamato Nadeshiko[2]?" -Renai
From the optimistic girl who wanted to change herself to meet Koyomi's standards, to the one who would abandon the world on a whim to consume everything, we see a huge contrast. However, as per the discussion above, do we really have two different people here? All that Nadeko cared about, from the beginning, was Koyomi. No where did she mention anything else, but to get the sight of Koyomi on her.
"Don't take your eyes off me,
Never and ever" -Renai
Could this be called love? We saw in Bake what the epitome of love was, through the revered star-gazing scene in Ep. 12. Nisio Isin seems to want to say that this is not love, but obsession. Through Tsukihi Araragi's questioning, we saw that Nadeko's love was more like obsession with a TV star, or a comic hero, rather than love with a person. She wanted more to possess him than to accompany him.
Noting that otori (囮) means "decoy", signifying Nadeko's false persona throughout the arc, we return to Nadeko's query: Why did things turn out this way? Who is at fault? Who set out this decoy to fool us about the ending? I would say that everyone was: Nadeko, obviously, for her inability to control her obsession and malicious intents; Kuchinawa, for deluding and abusing this; Her classmates and Koyomi's friends, for being hostile and pushing Nadeko to the brink; and even Koyomi himself, for patronizing Nadeko as a little sister, not treating her maturely. In the end, no one is a hero, and everyone was to blame. Everyone had selfish desires, and this whole fluffy and cute persona of Nadeko was all but a lie constructed throughout all these exchanges. This is why Nadeko is a great character, with the two OPs accompanying the story of her very well.
I got into the Monogatari series because of Renai Circulation, since I thought it was quite cute. I got much more from it, and I was really "glad I could meet" Nadeko.
Credits to AzureDark, http://destination-of-fate.tumblr.com/ for translations and references
[1]: Highly recommended. The range of tones that could be delivered by Kana Hanazawa (VA of Nadeko) is amazingly demonstrated here.
[2]: 大和撫子, the model of an idealized Japanese woman
